Relationships & Lasting Success

As the Director of the International Christian Brotherhood, founded by Rev. AR Bernard, I have the privilege of serving many brothers.  We are a Christian fraternal organization whose purpose is to train men in Christ-likeness as the standard of manhood.

I had a good time answering their questions about work-life balance, ministry to men and more.  I decided to share the Q&A with you.  Hope you enjoy.

PASTOR (A.R. BERNARD) HAS OFTEN SAID THAT BEING IN A LEADERSHIP POSITION MAY REQUIRE A CHANGE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS.  YOU SINCERELY CARE ABOUT. YOU DON’T LOVE THEM ANY LESS BUT YOU FIND YOU HAVE LESS TIME FOR IDLE PLAY OR CASUAL CONVERSATION. HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT SEPARATION WITHOUT THE GUILT?

Here are a few things that come to mind.

1. As men we see life as “work” and “more work.” We do things that tend to have some immediate result or reward. Or we do things because we have to do them. Most men are overwhelmed by their “busyness” because they don’t manage their time, money and relationships, period. So their “busyness” is a matter of perception and not reality. They are weighed down by their responsibilities because they weren’t proactive enough or they are paying the price for bad decisions. Men stay in a condition of frustration and chaos because they refuse to ask for help from God and from God’s wisdom in others. Pride is the strength of sin. Busyness is a cliché, a word to justify further isolation from genuine relationships. Why? Because they don’t want to be exposed for a life that is spiraling out of their control.

2. Sorry for being harsh and going for the jugular but I can’t take chances. The paragraph can be easily misread as “I’m too busy for ICB” or “I’m too busy to serve on Sunday” or “I don’t have time for my prayer chords.” BECAUSE THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW WITH MANY MEN INCLUDING LEADERS IN OUR FRATERNITY. But here is the principle; “We take the time and we spend the money on what we want.” Period. As a man you are supposed to be busy BEING productive not frustrated.

3. Pay attention to how you feel. When you feel physical pain the reaction is to comfort or to stop. So when you are emotionally overwhelmed why would you do the opposite by isolating and lying about what you feel? This is when you go to God and to your brothers.

4. The man of God who is taking charge by practicing time management, financial leadership and cultivating Christ-centered relationships will NOT have time for shallow relationships. Your relationships should fall into the ICB mancode; mentors, peers and mentees. You need to have time in your life just to hang out with other men; shoot pool, talk politics, grab a burger, etc.

5. But there are times when we have to reposition someone in our life because they don’t fit any of these categories. Make sure you check with God the Holy Spirit on how to do this because there is no easy way; because you might be the problem and not the other person. True “homeboys” understand life’s changes and also when you’ve changed. A great resource to consider is the series entitled Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Cultivating life giving relationships is a lifetime journey and we should be a blessing to others; family, friends, neighbors and enemies.


AS A LEADER WAS THERE EVER A TIME WHEN YOU FELT AN “INTOXIFICATION OF SUCCESS” OR A “DEVASTATION OF INSIGNIFICANCE”?

I’ve never felt the “intoxification of success” but I always have to guard my heart against pride. It happens in little things like driving or when some dude wants to look me over or walk by me “rapping” about shooting people. I have to deal with pride because I am gifted and talented and because I still want to be the master of the universe. Pride shows up when I’m angry at the red light or the person is not moving fast enough or when my internet connection has issues. I know that I am not alone.

You don’t need to be successful to be prideful and arrogant. There are lots of men in the Bedford Armory who are prideful. There are lots of men who don’t have a dime to their name and their only success is rolling a joint or being intoxicated with their ego.

How can we ever be “insignificant”?  We are incredibly significant.  God sent the Son to die for us and save us!  Now if you are talking about the devastation of failure that is different. Failure is only devastating if you let it destroy you.

And the greatest failure was also my moment of rescue. I came to a place where I failed to make sense of life and why I existed. I could find nothing that gave me meaning or joy. Everything was a vanity. I felt my mind slipping as I thought about the answer to the question, “what if life has no meaning?” God kept me long enough to place me in a bookstore stockroom where for the first time I heard not religion but the Gospel of Jesus the Christ.

It was then that I acknowledged my sinfulness and inability to save myself and that I was a wretch destined to hell. But God in His mercy sent Jesus Christ to die for my sins, rise again to give me new life and to prove that He is Lord of the Universe. My greatest failure had been making idols of people and things, denying the truth while claiming to seek it, and believing I could justify my existence without my Creator.

Turning to Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord was new life in the midst of terrible failure.

Me & wifey (my Aviance)

AT THE END OF THE DAY WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR OBITUARY TO SAY?

The obituary means nothing if you are not thinking about who is going to write it.  So what matters to me is what my wife, children, mother and extended families will say about me. You can be “the man” at a corporation and a villain at home. To that end I pray that they will say I loved them unconditionally, sacrificially and redemptatively. I pray that they say I was faithful to the end, a man of my word and loads of fun to be with. I want them to say that my words and my presence was a source of encouragement, comfort and strength. That I loved the Lord and I loved others including my enemies. Let it be said I made the most of every opportunity to do good especially to them.

My greatest gifts & responsibilities

Remember being a man, being a husband and a father are God’s first call on my life. Then I pray it can be said that I was faithful with God’s calling as a minister of the Gospel and disciple maker. I’m still living out those details in step with the Holy Spirit :-)