Is Marriage Built on Surprises?

“In love, as in other matters, what you don’t know may hurt you.” Eric Copage

Here is a principle: Assumption is the lowest form of knowledge.  When you “assume” you can make an “ass” (um, donkey) out of “u” and “me.”  Even couples “in love” do this to each other.  They “assume” they know the other person.  Why?  Because human beings tend to “project” wants, needs or expectations on each other.  As long as some of my immediate needs or wants are being met (companionship, recreation, sex) we aren’t thinking about the future. 

The explosive power of a new affection can also keep us from looking deeper.  Sometimes we don’t look deeper because we are afraid that the truth will erase our fantasy.  Chasing a fantasy leads to poverty in relationships and business.

And here is another principle: When expectations are not met disappointment sets in.  Disappointment can lead to resentment that degenerates into emotional bitterness.  Bitterness like acid will destroy the relationship.  There was a good article titled “Marriage is Not Built on Surprises” written by Eric Copage for the New York Times on December 17, 2006.  I use this article when I teach the premarital class in Christian Cultural Center and the accompanying piece entitled “Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying.”  (Please note that I don’t agree with everything written in either of these articles.  If you are a Christian then eat the meat, spit out the bones.)

I’m not suggesting that you sit down on a first date and ask these questions.  But a Christian man should be serious about God and should be careful in every relationship to honor God.  The Christian man doesn’t date for “fun” or to fulfill his lust.  Sometimes attraction and friendship grow in a shared environment (like a college campus, etc) and quite naturally overtime.  That’s great. 

God will hold us accountable for our motives, our words and our actions.  We don’t deceive or lead a woman on for her to discover we aren’t going to commit.  God is not mocked.  He will avenge His daughters who are deceived by our willful persistence in lust.  So if you are in a relationship or considering one that will move toward marriage, here are some questions to answer BEFORE you even say, “I love you.”  I’ve adapted some of the questions from the NY Times article.

- Do you understand her spiritual beliefs and needs?

- Do our beliefs and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

- Do we truly listen to each other?

- Do we fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

- Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

- Do we respect each other’s parents?

- Have we discussed whether or not to have children?

- If yes to children then who is going to be the primary care giver?

- How will you expose and train our children on religious/moral education?

- Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained?

- Are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

- What are the agreed upon financial obligations and goals?

- Do we believe either set of parents will interfere with the relationship?

- Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
- Are you clear about each others dreams and goals?

What do you think of these questions?  Were you able to read the NY Times article?

Please post your thoughts below.  And if you are married, what other questions do you think need to be asked or addressed before a single Christian man gets married?


Your brother,


Minister Onorio

Stages of a Man's Life

Rethinking Prophet, Priest, and King

In a previous post I connected the biblical offices of Prophet, Priest and King to us as men of God. 

But I’m also thinking about these biblical offices as stages in a man’s life.  Here is what I mean:

The Single Man as Prophet

We live in a culture where single young men 18-34 “hang out in a playground of drinking, hooking up, playing Halo 3, and, in many cases, underachieving.  With them, adulthood looks as though it’s receding.”1

Some men think this script is fun.  But not when they turn 45 and hit midlife crisis with tears of regret.  No pay increase.  No early retirement.  No rewarding career.  Singleness is not the time to play the field.  Singleness is the time to develop the field of your life by being a man of integrity, creativity, purpose and vision.

Prophets were set apart by God to speak His Word and represent Him before the people.  Where and how they lived marked them as God’s property.  They were incredibly creative, articulate and bold because they were crystal clear about their identity.

God may be calling you to be set apart as a single man for a season of personal and career development.  Your future wife needs a husband who is confident about who He is and where He is going.

The Husband as Priest

In another post I spoke about husbands taking the spiritual lead.  Prayer is an important part of a husband’s leadership but it’s not the only one.

For one, as High Priest, Jesus is able to sympathize with us.  Likewise as husbands, we need to practice listening skills and develop an understanding heart toward our wives.

We should create an atmosphere of tenderness in the home.  How?  By showing our wives consistent physical affection and loving words WITHOUT demanding or expecting SEX.  A wise husband knows that an atmosphere of tenderness increases spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy.

Men tend to find their identity in work.  Husbands have traditionally “banked” on being the financial provider.  But what happens if you lose your job?  Or what if your wife earns more money?  As priest of the home your leadership flows from who you are not your bank account. 

The Father as King

Being a father is a privilege.  Fathers are given a special crown.  A man needs to step up his game when he has a child looking up to him.

As a king Jesus took time for and protected children. We are called to guard, guide and govern our children.

How?  Let your words line up with your actions.  Let the rewards outweigh the punishment and praise more than you criticize your children.  Learn to bless your children by giving them the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.

Children look to daddy as Superman!  For children, a father is great just because he is daddy.  So let them be great in your eyes just because they are your children.  Give them a definition of manhood that they can run with. 

Be a strategic father and intentionally teach your children. Kings plan with vision for the long haul.  You can’t look for an immediate return with children.  Cut them slack.  Children are our legacy.  Your consistent investment will reap a righteous legacy at the right time.

It is good to be king.

Tell me what you think.  Please post your thoughts below.


Your brother,


Minister Onorio
1 This quote is from the article Child-Man in the Promised Land written by Kay Hymowitz for the City Journal Winter 2008 vol. 18 no. 1: http://www.city-journal.org/2008/18_1_single_young_men.html